That's what it feels like, anyway. I'm at a point in my life that the 'old wans' call "The Wall". And my head hurts from all the banging I'm doing against it.

Recently, a fellow writer/director requested to see some of the shots from my upcoming short "Cannibal Lovers", which I'm hoping to get into festivals beginning this summer, and going on into either infinity, or a subsequent apocalypse. Anyway, this director has been in dealings with my editor, who is FANTASTIC btw, and had asked him if I'd be obliged to consider a viewing. Which I'm completely ok with. Look, in the area which I stem off from, most of us are ametuer (sp?) and I (personally) feel that if we're sharing, then we're helping... I now find that I have to get over that.

We're still in post on "CL", and when my editor asked if I'd be willing to share I told them that, as long as the others knew how extremely raw the footage was, I would be all right in a little tete-a-tete about it, maybe we could share ideas and progress. Unfortunately, his computer is going into a major overhaul (which probably should have been clue #1 that this wasn't a good idea), so when he tried to capture the footage to download to CD, it failed about half-way through. But I felt that a fellow film maker would understand, possibly even empathize, and brush this off...

I can only regret my own mistakes.

Also, to add to the confusion, my brilliant editor had also been working on the short prologue to introduce the story idea in the film (since b.g. is usually slight in short film making, and ours only clocks in at 10 minutes), which upon seeing I had told him that it wasn't following the direction of the story and the feel of the atmosphere in it. But as long as he explained this to the other director and their producer that I could over look it.

Again, my mistake.

What eventually happened was, he showed them the footage and they (as far as I can tell from his voice mail and later call) pretty much trashed our entire effort - the story was too small for an entire 10 minutes (though, they never asked for any background info, and hadn't even seen most of the footage, which he had missed as it was the part of the edit that his computer flopped out on); they also felt we'd 'crossed the line' (an annoying subtext in filmmaking that I feel dilliniates that the audience is completely idiotic); and we shouldn't show it at it's final form (which, again, they hadn't even considered we are still in early post and haven't shown them anything substantial)...

Needless to say, though I will, he was crushed. And I empathize, I really do. But I also believe he missed not only the valid points I've made above, but even a more crucial fact - you can't go by what other people insist on in this industry. If we all buckled to what others insist is right and just we would be living in a borg society. There would be no growth or development and...dammit, I'm just pissed that they made him feel bad, I admit it. But also, it was a learning experience for both of us, and I hope he took as much from it as I did - only, hopefully, his put a smile on his face...

The film industry is a shady and (at times) subserviant place to be. And I'm a gal that refuses both ideologies. So, I know it's going to be more than just a rough road. It's Mount Everest with not a rope, pitchfork or foothold in sight...but I have a crew that believes in me, and people on the outside who love and believe in me, so I'll be ok...

I think Sir Edmund Hillary (his soul at peace) would concur...